My dear Merc,

I am dreading waking up tomorrow—August 4th—tomorrow roughly this time--10 pm, one month ago on that awful July 4th when I got the call telling me you were dead. Do you know what it feels to hear the world “dead?” You are lucky, you will never know. How could you leave this world Hari, how?

You are no more Hari and one month has gone by. Time is marching on, but you are not here. Why Hari?

I don’t even know why I am writing this. I don’t even know where to begin Hari. I don’t even know if I am making any sense, but it doesn’t matter, does it? Perhaps it is to let you know how much I loved you, but you already knew that. Then why? It is said that pouring out ones feelings will have a cathartic effect. So if I am writing this for selfish reasons, so be it. I need to find some peace Hari. Will this terrible ache ever diminish?

Why did you go Hari? Were you fed up with life so soon? Why Hari?

You and I had a unique relationship. Our relationship was pure, compassionate, loving, wickedly humorous and illuminating. Who else could have called me “batty” after our only third or fourth conversation over the phone? How we used to talk Hari—for hours on end, forgetting time and money. I will never hear your voice again. Why Hari?

You took it upon yourself to give me advice on so many issues, and when I look back, most of them were uncannily on the mark. You admonished me for relying on medication for some of my ailments. Didn’t that advice apply to you Hari? I wouldn’t be writing this gibberish, if only you had. Why didn’t you follow your own advice Hari, Why?

Perhaps even if you had heeded our repeated pleadings to seek proper medical help, or let us help you, the Almighty would not have spared you. You had 24 years of KARMA, and when it was over, you left this world hopefully for a better place where you never have to deal with pain--physical and emotional. If this is true, then why does your death hurt so much Hari? Why?

I saw you first when you were about 8 or 9 months old. How gorgeous you looked. Your golden color, curly hair and mischievous smile bewitched me. When you vanished from my horizon, I never doubted that one day I would see you again. And I did Hari!! I will never forget that first day when I called you, and you said........... I was overjoyed; you could not have known how much happiness you brought into my life. Why then did you go so quickly Hari? Why?
We knew each other for less than a year, but what a great time we had Hari........ Did you know that my heart was brimming with pride because you were so very, very smart. I never tired of speaking about you and boasting about you. Your knowledge about so many things, at your age, was astounding, sometimes I felt so jealous. You had such convincing answers for everything. So what is the answer for your death Hari?

You were not the only one who had dreams of your future Hari. I used to lie awake at nights dreaming of an utopian future for you. I wanted you to be free of all the anguish and pain you went through in your young life. You promised me a first-class plane trip, a limousine with a chauffeur and endless spending at Harrods. You promised to visit and the first place we would go would be the beer place. You broke your promises Hari. Why? Our dreams were just that—dreams. Why couldn’t our dreams become reality, Hari? Why?

I couldn’t wait to see you, so much so I couldn’t resist giving you a bear hug when we first met at the airport! I wish you could have seen your face! We spent three glorious weeks—three lovely, vetti weeks. So many memories Hari.... Heysham.......quick sand.... Your revulsion in touching the relic..... our shopping expeditions..... deBeers...... searching for books.....Charing Cross...... oh God, so many lovely, gut-wrenching memories.

I never knew if you enjoyed our time together as much as I did. How could I ever have known my allocation was only three weeks....... Did you know that so many people thought I should not have made the trip? Right or wrong, I wouldn’t trade those days for anything in this world. Tell me Hari, did I cause ripples that turned to waves? What happened in five short months, Hari, and why?

I could go on and on.......but will you come back Hari? No! I am left with memories, only memories, a great big void, a heart that breaks every time I think of you, and so many questions for which I will never get answers. Will you answer me Hari, will you tell me WHY?
I waited 24 years to see you, and will wait until I can see you again. I know I will, and when I see you, you will give me answers, won’t you Hari? Until then, rest in peace, my dear, dear Hari.

with tons of love,
“batty”